These New Delay of Game Calls are Delaying the Game Son (a.k.a. F*-David Stern)

In advance of all the inevitable forthcoming tributes proclaiming David Stern's brilliance and sainthood, as he prepares to ride off into the sunset, I would like to take one last moment to say F* David Stern. F him long and F him hard.  Some people may be offended because they have bought into the idea that David Stern has been as good for basketball as Ray Allen's jumpshot.  To that I say F you guys too.  The only thing I've ever liked about David Stern is that he reminds me of Jon Lovitz when he gives his condescending smirk. 

This is the point where people will start in with "oh my gosssssh, D. Stern was so good at marketing the league and making it a global game and blah blah blah.  How can you not respect that?"  Well I'm glad you asked.  I'll take a swing at that.  I love basketball.  I split a pair of nosebleed 300 level season tickets with a group of friends.  I get the League Pass.  I even bought a new jersey this season despite being a grown man who can never actually wear the thing without looking like a complete tool.  And in my opinion Stern rarely did anything that actually helped the actual game.  I can understand why you like him if you happen to own a NBA franchise.  He helped you get paid.  But if you're a regular guy like me who loves the actual game and defends Stern as a brilliant basketball ambassador I'm here to tell you you've been tricked. 

My argument for why you've been tricked is similar to one I recently had with a guy at a bar regarding Taylor Swift.  And yes I realize how creepy it is for two dudes in their thirties to be discussing Taylor Swift at a bar.  I don't remember how she came up but I wanted her to go away and quickly said something about how I was in the minority because I enjoyed Kanye ruining her moment at the awards show because I think her music sucks D**.  The seemingly reasonable gentleman I was speaking to replied with something to the effect of "even if you don't like her music you have to respect her as a businessperson.  She does blah, blah, blah and even x, y, distribution, z. "  At this point I had two major concerns.  First, how the heck did this dude know so much about Taylor Swift's process?  And second, why the F would he think I should respect someone for being successful doing something I hate?  I don't cheer for successful businessmen.  F those guys.  I'm broke.  I hope they go broke too because I'm spiteful and petty. 

Which brings us back around to Stern.  What does he actually do?  The only thing I know for sure is that he attempts to smash the player's union every few years so the fat old dudes who own teams can take a bigger slice of cash back to their yachts.  Or as ESPN would put it he looks out for the growth and sustainability of the league.  And I hate that.  So that's who he is to me.  A smarmy mouthpiece for all of the suits.  In my mind he's the part of the league that was nervous about how Allen Iverson dressed.  That's a weird thing for a grown man to worry about.  He's also the part of the league that has turned 16%*** of all good defensive plays into flagrant foul calls.  HE'S THE DUDE RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE ASININE NEW DELAY OF GAME CALLS.  He's the dude who re-ruins the dunk contest every couple years.  He's the dude who saw the new jerseys with sleeves and said "yeah let's go with that."  He's the dude who goes on camera and pretends that NBA refs aren't the worst officials working in major pro sports.  He's the dude who fines players for uniform violations. 

In short, Stern is like 90% of all bosses that everyone with a bad job has ever had.  He resents his actual workforce and would stab any of them in the back if it meant he could take an extra nickel back to his bosses and get a pat on the head.  He micromanages the stuff that doesn't matter and comes down on his people with a furious anger if they reveal actual problems (like a wild-eyed maniac ref who sometimes affects the outcome of games). 

Good riddance David Stern.  To paraphrase Chuck D you were a hero to some but you never meant S**** to me. 

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Guide to * below
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*Curse words ommited because the crew that puts these blogs up are a bunch of fascists who ultimately just want a shout out from Grantland or some D-head chit like that. 

**Our editor is destroying my atistic integrity through this continued censorship.  I think he's angling for a Dr Pepper banner ad. 

***This percentage is 100% made up but it still feels 100% accurate to me.  So go S a D. 

****This censorship is out of control fam.