It's Not Your Fathers Dunk Contest, But It Should Be

On the heels of what is certainly going to be another lackluster NBA All-Star Saturday night I got to thinking. What do owners and players covet most? Championships? City pride? Legacies?  Nah, both the owners and players would agree that it’s those almighty green backs that get them moving in the morning (I’m no hater, simply put, those same greenbacks are what get me moving each morning as well).

Money is what makes high-quality players sign extensive (basketball death sentences) contracts with deeply underperforming teams with no hope for any real success (Al Jefferson signing with the Bobcats). The money is what is going to make Melo thoroughly consider if he’s willing to forgo a title and (probably) his legacy by resigning with the Knicks. The money is what drives owners to lockout the players every time they feel that the millionaires are trying to get a little closer to the billionaires. Money, money, money!

So, where am I going with this? The NBA has tried to rebuild All-Star Saturday night with gimmicks (mascot dunk contest, HORSE games) and miss-constructed challenges (Rookie/Sophomore game, Skills contest) - the former of the two challenges isn’t even viable anymore as the league is now mixing the rookies with the Sophomores because of how brutal it would be to watch the 2013 draft class play just about anyone. 

How sad would it be to for the Cavs to find out that Anthony Bennet couldn’t even start on a team made up of only players from his putrid draft class. 

Anyway, the point here is not to rag on the Cavs though it is pretty easy, -side note, the only reason Kyrie Irving signs an extension in Cleveland has nothing to do with their future its solely because of said money- the point is to offer up an idea that would bring All-Star Saturday night back to its old glory and satisfy the only thing both owners and players can agree on. "Keep getting dem checks", Jalen Rose. 

Tell Kenny Smith he will no longer be announcing the HORSE Challenge and cancel the Mascot dunk contest, Turbo the Houston Rockets mascot is no longer necessary. We will keep the Rookie/Sophomore game the Skills contest and the three-point shootout; they will be nice undercards for the main event. The Dunk contest will once again be the driving force behind All-Star Saturday night.

Fans and current and former players want to see the greats go at it like they were fighting for a place in history. It’s been 26 years and Dominique is still reeling from the fact that MJ won the title in 1988. Does anyone really think that this would still be a topic of conversation of MJ had beaten Nate Robinson or if Niqu had battled Fred Jones? The answer is no. 

The reason we still talk about that contest today is because of the status those two carried with them into the contest. They were the best of the best at dunking as well as two of the most famous players in the league at that time.

No more waiting, the 2015 contest should consist of the following players: 

1. •   Andrew Wiggins
2. •   DeMar DeRozan
3. •   Kevin Durant
4. •   Paul George
5. •   Dwight Howard
6. •   Blake Griffin
7. •   Gerald Green
8. •   Barring any injury setback Russell Westbrook and Derrick Rose 
9. •   And of course Lebron James. 

This would automatically be one of the top five contests of all time and absolutely must watch TV. The judges would be current and former players so its not too biased but they would all be past dunk contest champions so the current contestants were held to the highest standard. The judges would be:

1. •   MJ
2. •   Kobe Bryant
3. •   Vince Carter
4. •   Dominique Wilkins
5. •   Dr. J

The rules would be simple, no gimmicks, no capes or phone booths, no cars, no blindfolds and no shoe pumping. There is no assistance from other players, which means no lobs. Just the best players doing their best dunks. 

A lineup of stars doing the thing everyone comes out to the playground, practice court and games to see. I can already feel IT moving in my pants just thinking about the possibility.

To get this going we simply need cash. I figure that $350,000 from each of the 30 NBA franchises will be just enough. That equates to a winner take all pot of $10.5 million. I’m pretty certain that Andrew Wiggins, DeMar DeRozan, Kevin Durant, Paul George, Dwight Howard, Blake Griffin, Gerald Green, Russell Westbrook Derrick Rose and Lebron James will find every reason to compete for a prize of that caliber. 

There would be no more excuses; no contract would get in their way and no ones brand would be damaged if they lost a dunk contest to any of these superstar participants. Would Adidas cry if DRose went head to head with LBJ for the title and lost? Nike would cream their pants to have KD and LBJ duke it out in their Nikes for the crown. 

You might be questioning why we've included Green and Wiggins in this superstar contest. It's a valid question that easily qualified. Green is now a rising star on the Suns, an uncontrollable in-game dunker as well as a former Dunk Contest Champion. Wiggins will be one of the top three picks in the 2014 draft, his leaping ability is off the charts and his list of YouTube posted dunks are already legendary. The two of them will only strengthen this contest.  

Now that we've found the driver for the players we need to address the owners. Why would any of them be willing to contribute $350K to this event? Where is their piece of the pie? 

How about sponsorships, the NBA could start the bidding at a paltry $5 million and have at least 10 companies willing to ride that train. They could sell ads on the floor and around the stadium for $200,000 each. They could also simply ask TNT or whatever network was televising the event to throw them a $5-10 million dollar bone. The network would do it because they would easily be able to sell TV ad space throughout entire All-star Saturday telecast for $150,000-300,000 a spot for the undercard and $300,000 – 500,000 for the main event. The owners would easily get their money back plus profit.

This event would put NBA All-Star Saturday night back on the map. Fans would come out in droves to watch, NBA analysts would talk about it for the next 20 years, the network would thank the high heavens that they no  longer have to waste money on the Saturday event like fans on preseason tickets, and the players and owners would both get what they love most, money!

This would be the dunk contest everyone has waited for since MJ beat Dominique in 1988. Wait, I hear some drunk ass-hat at the other end of the bar yelling at me that Nique was robbed. 

While it’s a nice thought I’m sure in 2015 we’ll be treated to another contest consisting of has been and never-will-be players trying to recreate the blind fold dunk, or jumping in and out of a garbage can trying to top the phone booth dunk. Who won last year*? No one gives a shit, but for $10.5 million everyone soon would.

*Answer: Terrance Ross-now I care even less

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These New Delay of Game Calls are Delaying the Game Son (a.k.a. F*-David Stern)

In advance of all the inevitable forthcoming tributes proclaiming David Stern's brilliance and sainthood, as he prepares to ride off into the sunset, I would like to take one last moment to say F* David Stern. F him long and F him hard.  Some people may be offended because they have bought into the idea that David Stern has been as good for basketball as Ray Allen's jumpshot.  To that I say F you guys too.  The only thing I've ever liked about David Stern is that he reminds me of Jon Lovitz when he gives his condescending smirk. 

This is the point where people will start in with "oh my gosssssh, D. Stern was so good at marketing the league and making it a global game and blah blah blah.  How can you not respect that?"  Well I'm glad you asked.  I'll take a swing at that.  I love basketball.  I split a pair of nosebleed 300 level season tickets with a group of friends.  I get the League Pass.  I even bought a new jersey this season despite being a grown man who can never actually wear the thing without looking like a complete tool.  And in my opinion Stern rarely did anything that actually helped the actual game.  I can understand why you like him if you happen to own a NBA franchise.  He helped you get paid.  But if you're a regular guy like me who loves the actual game and defends Stern as a brilliant basketball ambassador I'm here to tell you you've been tricked. 

My argument for why you've been tricked is similar to one I recently had with a guy at a bar regarding Taylor Swift.  And yes I realize how creepy it is for two dudes in their thirties to be discussing Taylor Swift at a bar.  I don't remember how she came up but I wanted her to go away and quickly said something about how I was in the minority because I enjoyed Kanye ruining her moment at the awards show because I think her music sucks D**.  The seemingly reasonable gentleman I was speaking to replied with something to the effect of "even if you don't like her music you have to respect her as a businessperson.  She does blah, blah, blah and even x, y, distribution, z. "  At this point I had two major concerns.  First, how the heck did this dude know so much about Taylor Swift's process?  And second, why the F would he think I should respect someone for being successful doing something I hate?  I don't cheer for successful businessmen.  F those guys.  I'm broke.  I hope they go broke too because I'm spiteful and petty. 

Which brings us back around to Stern.  What does he actually do?  The only thing I know for sure is that he attempts to smash the player's union every few years so the fat old dudes who own teams can take a bigger slice of cash back to their yachts.  Or as ESPN would put it he looks out for the growth and sustainability of the league.  And I hate that.  So that's who he is to me.  A smarmy mouthpiece for all of the suits.  In my mind he's the part of the league that was nervous about how Allen Iverson dressed.  That's a weird thing for a grown man to worry about.  He's also the part of the league that has turned 16%*** of all good defensive plays into flagrant foul calls.  HE'S THE DUDE RESPONSIBLE FOR THESE ASININE NEW DELAY OF GAME CALLS.  He's the dude who re-ruins the dunk contest every couple years.  He's the dude who saw the new jerseys with sleeves and said "yeah let's go with that."  He's the dude who goes on camera and pretends that NBA refs aren't the worst officials working in major pro sports.  He's the dude who fines players for uniform violations. 

In short, Stern is like 90% of all bosses that everyone with a bad job has ever had.  He resents his actual workforce and would stab any of them in the back if it meant he could take an extra nickel back to his bosses and get a pat on the head.  He micromanages the stuff that doesn't matter and comes down on his people with a furious anger if they reveal actual problems (like a wild-eyed maniac ref who sometimes affects the outcome of games). 

Good riddance David Stern.  To paraphrase Chuck D you were a hero to some but you never meant S**** to me. 

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Guide to * below
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*Curse words ommited because the crew that puts these blogs up are a bunch of fascists who ultimately just want a shout out from Grantland or some D-head chit like that. 

**Our editor is destroying my atistic integrity through this continued censorship.  I think he's angling for a Dr Pepper banner ad. 

***This percentage is 100% made up but it still feels 100% accurate to me.  So go S a D. 

****This censorship is out of control fam.